My Latest story, would you read this one?
I did not want to be afraid of him. I wished there was no reason to be, my movements changed constantly. First I was fiddling nervously with my fingernails, then folding my arms across my chest to show courage, and leaning my arm against the wall for support. I took a few steps back as my dad came up to me, being afraid I would get yelled at for standing in his way. My dad had been assaultive, brainwashed by the TV show he used to watch every weekend. It was about a thief who took advantage of people’s weakness for his own benefit. Including stealing weapons, raping etc. He spent some years in jail as his previous wife had reported the police he threatened her with his knife. When I talked to him about his past he told me he did not regret being assaultive. He claimed his behavior had helped him put himself on the right path, but I did not believe him. I had heard him a couple of times screaming at my mom because she had forgotten to iron his clothes. “How am I supposed to go to work now? Do you want anyone to laugh at me?” He said, and threw the sleeveless shirt at her feet. My mother did not response. She knew he would not accept any explanation. She looked at him through her teary eyes, wiping tears as she opened her mouth to talk. “I am sorry Edward, please don’t get mad. I will do it now!” she picked up the shirt he had thrown before she could finish her sentence. My dad did not accept her “excuse”. He snatched the shirt from her hands and pushed her a few feet away. I remembered what he had told me when I tried to help her get back up. “Stop it! She can get along by herself” and stepped on her leg as he made his way to the living room to watch his show. My mother wanted to leave him, but she had always believed he could change. The bruises around her eyes accentuated her light blue eyes. The eyes I had looked at when I was a baby. Her eyes were the only ones I had remembered. My dad probably had other things to do that made him too busy to wrap his arms around me. He tried so hard to make me love him by being nice to me, but he stopped doing it as he found out it was not going to work on me.
It was my 18th birthday. I did not consider it a special day, thinking I would not have been celebrating it if I had been born on another day. But my mother found it important to make me feel better. She invited my friends and decorated the house with balloons. My dad did not like it, and started popping them with his tooth pick. The popping sound sounded like a shot, earsplitting, threatening. He popped each one heartlessly, enjoying watching me terrified. The sound went louder as he popped the ones that had been hung next to where I stood. He took three balloons and placed them one next to another and pressed his palms together to get them all popped at once, like a gun shooting bullets. One after one when they all headed to me.
How is English? thanks for reading my work!
Suggestion by Red Sox Girl
i like it alot! I wish i knew what happened next!
btw, can u answer my question?
Suggestion by Music is my religion
It’s a bit grammatically off at points. I liked the idea of it though.
Suggestion by Kissy Cat Lover
I think you use good descriptive words and I like that there is not much dialogue for now. Those are the kinds of books I like. It’s also kind of dark with the father being emotionally abusive and all.
However, I do feel like there is way too much information in the first paragraph and that it should be two or three paragraphs.
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Story Help! Please Read, Review, Help!?
Okay! This is a story i’m working on! It doesn’t have a name. Can you help with the title? And the boy doesn’t have a name… help again! (If you have any other girl names i try them out!!)
So the story is about… a girl named Rosa has these weird dreams. One day at her boarding school, she meets the boy from her dreams. She secretly loves him, but he HAS to hate her. Even though he loves her so much!
The boy’s story is- he is a elf. He is son of the great dark elf lord. His father is in current control of…(Help name!)… and the boy cant handle the evil. He runs away to earth and meets Rosa. When his father finds out about Rosa he forces the boy to hate her. The boy secretly loves her. The boy does everything to stop Rosa from liking him. Hurting her in every way possible.
When the boy finds out about one of Rosa’s great great grand parents was once the ruler of the ….(whatever you choose!) … he tries to bring Rosa’s secret power to the light!
Done! Well it isn’t the whole story, but its the main idea really. A forbidden love, a dark elf lord, a secret power… what ever!
Here it is!
My voice echoed in the large empty room. A ghostly chuckle bounced off the walls.
“Who’s there!?” I whispered.
I turned around. All I saw was four white walls. I looked up and stared at the high white ceiling.
I heard the sound of dripping water. I turned around and another chuckle could be heard.
“Hello?!” I cried.
I took a step and my feet splashed in water. I looked down and black water was at my feet.
I quickly jumped back.
“Rosa….” said a ghostly voice.
I turned my head. Another chuckle could be heard.
The water splashed behind me.
I turned around and a boy stood there. Smiling amused. He had short brown hair that hung in his face. He had icy blue eyes, and light pink lips. He had slightly pale skin.
“Who are you?” I asked.
He never moved. He just stood there with a small grin on his face.
I took a step closer.
His grin faded. His icy eyes faded to black. He snarled.
“What is it?” I asked, surprised by how his look changed instantly.
He looked down at his hands, which hung by his side.
I followed his eyes and looked at his hand. With his fingers bent slightly, he twisted his hand around till his open palm faced me.
I looked up into his face. He looked up and stared into my eyes. A small grin flashed on his face. He quickly closed his hand into a fist.
Something powerful and hard slammed into me. The surge of power blasted me into a wall.
I fell from the wall to my knees on the ground. Blood trickled down my arm. I fell to my hands.
“Who are you!” I yelped.
I stared at the ground, on my hands and knees.
I heard foot steps. Then I saw a shadow. I looked up and stared into amused black eyes.
He flicked his hand up. More power slammed into me, throwing my back against the wall, forcing me to be in a seated position. My head slammed against the wall. The pain throbbed. I tasted blood. I couldn’t feel my left arm. I could feel blood trickle down my cheeks. I was losing conscious. My eye lids drooped.
“What do you want?” I said. My words slurred slightly.
The boy bent down in front of me. I forced my eyes to stay open. I groaned.
“Does it amuse you?” I whispered.
A smile still on his face, question filled his eyes.
“My pain… does it amuse you?” I mumbled.
I turned my head to my side.
I laugh escaped him. His laugh was perfect, musical and soft.
Cold fingers touched my bloody face. He pushed my face to face his.
His eyes were icy again. He smiled.
He mouthed Rosa.
“Do you talk?” I asked. My eyes drooped again.
“Say something.” I said quietly.
He opened his mouth, and then closed it.
“What?” I asked.
The boy looked into my eyes. I looked away. The boy chuckled.
My eyes flickered to his face. He was smiling. Smiling like I had just told him a joke. I looked at the floor. Black water still covered the floor.
My face was still covered in blood. I carefully scooped up the water. I hesitated. I glanced over at the boy.
“Can I wipe my face with this water?” I asked.
The boy stared at my hand. His icy eyes glowered at the water.
“If you don’t want me to do this, say something.” I said.
My eyes still stared at the boy, as I slowly brought the water to my face. The water was inches from my face.
“Ugh!” I shouted. I threw my hands up, splashing the water into the boy’s face.
When I realized what I did, I froze. I wasn’t even doing anything and he attacked me. Imagine what he would do if he was angry.
“Sorry!” I cried.
The boy rubbed his face.
I moved my hand to touch him. He moved his head and I rubbed his ear. Something was different. His ear wasn’t rounded, it was pointed.
The boy slowly lifted his hands from his face. His eyes were black.
He stood up and glowered at me.
“I’m sorry!” I cried again.
I stood up. The boy slowly brought his hand to hi
Suggestion by Sexy Sadie
The sentences are short and choppy. It sounds like a rap song.
There is no flow, no movement. You need to grab a reader and keep him interested. This one sounds more like a play by play report of what is happening.
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